Be the man, be the law

Dalrock has been addressing the problem of troublesome mothers-in-law this week, particularly the problem that some wives have with their mothers-in-law. While I respect what he is saying about not feeding female drama and the importance of not meekly accepting Wifey's orders to go and confront Mommy because Wifey doesn't like that you're listening to Mommy instead of Wifey, I think he's missing the point about the mother-in-law problem legitimately being one the husband should solve.

It always cracks me up when people start by explaining how entirely unreasonable someone is being, and then follow up with a solution which would only apply when dealing with someone who is generally speaking reasonable.  As I explained in the previous post, this kind of dramatic confrontation is the troublesome mother-in-law equivalent of crack.  There are so many ways for a trouble-making mother-in-law to parry such a clumsy response that all I can say for sure is the mother-in-law couldn’t have asked for a better outcome.  It may be that the husband will decide bringing his folks along on future family vacations is a bad idea, but setting this up as a punishment only invites decades of “poor me” performances by the mother-in-law.  That in doing this he isn’t acting under his own steam, but instead taking orders from a gaggle of gossiping women makes the situation all the worse.  This is a major victory for the mother-in-law, and decades of high drama will undoubtedly ensue.

My advice is somewhat different. I think the husband should a) defend his wife, and b) bring the noise. Which is to say issue a direct order to Mommy to be respectful to his wife, be a helpful grandmother, and heed his wife's expectations and requests or be left out of most social activities. And if the wife is being unreasonable or being a bitch, then he should tell her to knock it the fuck off or watch him step back and let her have it out with her mother-in-law on her own.

Which really isn't all that different than Dalrock's ultimate advice on the matter:

1) Protect his family.
2) Minimize the drama.
3) Are loving to all involved. 

Women may love drama, but they don't love being called on it when they lapse into childish schoolyard behavior. So long as both women find the prospect of being dressed down by the husband more unpleasant than waging low-grade war with each other, they'll figure out a way to get along. And if Mommy is simply a lunatic drama queen, then the husband should excise her from the family's life before it's even necessary for the wife to voice her opinion on the matter. I don't see (3) being relevant, and in fact it may make matters worse. Such situations call for justice and discipline, not mercy and understanding.

Be reasonable, be honest, and be civil, or be gone. Life is vastly simpler, better, and easier if a man operates on that principle.

I understand it can be hard for a submitted husband who regards every woman's wish as his command to even think about such a situation in this way, but that doesn't change the fact that it is a viable solution.

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